To any of my friends who are out there in tumblr land right now, I’d ask for some special thoughts/positive energy/anything really…I’m sitting here at work in tears because I don’t want to be here. I don’t think it’s anything more than the usual stress I feel about this job, but it’s overwhelming today.
All I can think is how much I want to quit, and is it feasible to quit. But I know it’s not, because we need my income, and I can’t start a new job, because that’s what’s scaring me the most about this one…not really knowing what to do in a lot of cases. So another new job and new people would not help the situation, I don’t think.
I just have to try to power through…it’s just been such a long 8 months of trying to power through, and it’s really catching up to me, and I honestly wondered if I should hospitalize myself, because I feel like I’m having a breakdown…but I know really it’s not that bad, I just want to cry though.
I hate this feeling. I hate this place. I hate having to come here every day.
I don’t know why it’s so much worse today…probably because I was gone 4 days and it’s just brutal having to come back.
…this feeling I get when I come home and Richard is in bed with the door closed to the bedroom. And I wonder if he’s ok or if he did something to himself while I was gone.
And an hour passes, and he doesn’t come out.
And another hour.
And another hour.
And it’s now been 4 hours since I came home…it’s not unusual for him to sleep like that at all hours of the day, but I just want to know he’s ok. But I’m sure he is, and I don’t want to wake him up prematurely by opening the door.
So I just went and stood by the door for 5 solid minutes trying to hear anything, a slight movement or breathing or anything. And I couldn’t. But his fan is kind of loud, so I can’t always hear him.
Of course if I was in bed, he’d be snoring, because that’s how that works…but when I want to hear some sign he’s ok I don’t.
I’ll give it 20 more minutes, then I’ll open the door a bit.
I know he wouldn’t do anything…I know he doesn’t have the strength to do anything like that anymore, we’ve discussed it at great length.
It’s just scary to not know for sure…even though I know for sure..can I really know for sure.
When I say I grew up in the middle of nowhere and corn fields, I mean it…(otherwise known as Pike County, IL.)
I visited my parents today, so I took a few photos on the way…here’s the view as soon as I exit off the interstate.
And then I turn onto an even narrower road that you’d really rather not meet anyone on, because there is not much shoulder on the road. We picked up 2 kids on this road on the school bus (in fact that house on the left was one of them.)
I would never be able to count how many trains I’ve been stopped by here…and sometimes they just sit there, because about a half mile down the track is the town where they are loading up from the feed mill, so you just sit and wait…
And this road runs in front of my parents’ house, where I spent my whole childhood. That yellow sign to the right is warning of a school bus stop, and my parents’ house is just beyond that on the left. Coyotes cross that road most nights, you can hear them yipping right around the point of that sign.
And this will always be home, no matter where I live.